a lump in my throat

has been a very strange week in so many ways.



got this song in my email.
been stuck in my head all week.
thanks for showing it to me mama.



i miss my sister.
every. day.

waiting for the storm to pass

I haven't been blogging much.
I sorta shut things down for a while.
I just felt like the internet world was too much.
There's so much evil and hatred on it.
Sometimes when I get on the computer I just
feel like that's all it is. But I love my blog.
I love looking back at how far I've come,
at how much of a great mother I am to my babies
and how much I have accomplished.
My baby Sage is going on 4 months pretty soon.
She is smiling and laughing and so alert and happy
all the time. I love her. My Carson is pushing closer
to age 5 and making me sadder and sadder the more
her grows, but oh so Proud of the sweet little young
boy he's becoming. We go to his kindergarten
orientation next week and I am so nervous, I know
he is more than excited but me, I know I'll just cry
my eyes out when he goes to real school.
We've also been going to church each week and Carson
LOVES his class. He brings home sweet pictures for our
fridge each week. I love it. It feels so good.
I always feel like around me there are so many things going
on and I am always busy. Trying really hard to help
out with my niece and nephew when I can. It's also
been great for me to earn some extra dollars and help out
with money when I can. But also help out with these two
that need me so much. I know we are being watched over.
and things happen for reasons I can't explain.
Despite a lot of crazy things in my life or going on in my head
right now, I feel like I"m right where I need to be.
I hate being judged by people who don't even know my
life or what I have gone through. But I am just going to
be strong and be the bigger person and keep going on.
I'm not perfect, I try really hard. I'm not a lazy stay at home mom.
And I'm a very good loyal wife. I love my family.
I love my brother and sisters and my mom and dad.
They have all done so much and we always stick together.
At times I worry too hard, and let it get the best of me,
but I know that by praying I understand why things happen
the way they do and that soon it will all be ok.
Spring is here. I have been waiting for Spring.
And now it's here. I am happy. I am a good mom.
A good wife. A good sister. And a good person.
I am proud of myself.
 

-byyyyye

a light

I have been reading through the general conference talks this weekend and this one stood out to me the most... I had to post it -

The Hope of God's Light

By President Dieter F. Uchtdorf
Second Counselor in the First Presidency

---

Entrance to Enlightenment

I have a cherished painting in my office that is titled Entrance to Enlightenment. It was created by a friend of mine, the Danish artist Johan Benthin, who was the first stake president in Copenhagen, Denmark.

The painting shows a dark room with an open door from which light is shining. It is interesting to me that the light coming through the door does not illuminate the entire room—only the space immediately in front of the door.

To me, the darkness and light in this painting are a metaphor for life. It is part of our condition as mortal beings to sometimes feel as though we are surrounded by darkness. We might have lost a loved one; a child might have strayed; we might have received a troubling medical diagnosis; we might have employment challenges and be burdened by doubts or fears; or we might feel alone or unloved.

But even though we may feel lost in the midst of our current circumstances, God promises the hope of His light—He promises to illuminate the way before us and show us the way out of darkness.

Light Cleaveth unto Light

There may be some among you who feel darkness encroaching upon you. You may feel burdened by worry, fear, or doubt. To you and to all of us, I repeat a wonderful and certain truth: God’s light is real. It is available to all! It gives life to all things.¹ It has the power to soften the sting of the deepest wound. It can be a healing balm for the loneliness and sickness of our souls. In the furrows of despair, it can plant the seeds of a brighter hope. It can enlighten the deepest valleys of sorrow. It can illuminate the path before us and lead us through the darkest night into the promise of a new dawn.

This is “the Spirit of Jesus Christ,” which gives “light to every man that cometh into the world.”²

Nevertheless, spiritual light rarely comes to those who merely sit in darkness waiting for someone to flip a switch. It takes an act of faith to open our eyes to the Light of Christ. Spiritual light cannot be discerned by carnal eyes. Jesus Christ Himself taught, “I am the light which shineth in darkness, and the darkness comprehendeth it not.”³ For “the natural man receiveth not the things of the Spirit of God: for they are foolishness unto him: neither can he know them, because they are spiritually discerned.”⁴

So how do we open our eyes to the hope of God’s light?

First, start where you are.

Isn’t it wonderful to know that we don’t have to be perfect to experience the blessings and gifts of our Heavenly Father? We don’t have to wait to cross the finish line to receive God’s blessings. In fact, the heavens begin to part and the blessings of heaven begin to distill upon us with the very first steps we take toward the light.

The perfect place to begin is exactly where you are right now. It doesn’t matter how unqualified you may think you are or how far behind others you may feel. The very moment you begin to seek your Heavenly Father, in that moment, the hope of His light will begin to awaken, enliven, and ennoble your soul.⁵ The darkness may not dissipate all at once, but as surely as night always gives way to dawn, the light will come.

Second, turn your heart toward the Lord.

Lift up your soul in prayer and explain to your Heavenly Father what you are feeling. Acknowledge your shortcomings. Pour out your heart and express your gratitude. Let Him know of the trials you are facing. Plead with Him in Christ’s name for strength and support. Ask that your ears may be opened, that you may hear His voice. Ask that your eyes may be opened, that you may see His light.

Third, walk in the light.

Your Heavenly Father knows that you will make mistakes. He knows that you will stumble—perhaps many times. This saddens Him, but He loves you. He does not wish to break your spirit. On the contrary, He desires that you rise up and become the person you were designed to be.

To that end, He sent His Son to this earth to illuminate the way and show us how to safely cross the stumbling blocks placed in our path. He has given us the gospel, which teaches the way of the disciple. It teaches us the things we must know, do, and be to walk in His light, following in the footsteps of His Beloved Son, our Savior.

Light Overcomes Darkness

Yes, we will make mistakes.

Yes, we will falter.

But as we seek to increase our love for God and strive to love our neighbor, the light of the gospel will surround and uplift us. The darkness will surely fade, because it cannot exist in the presence of light. As we draw near to God, He will draw near to us.⁶ And day by day, the hope of God’s light will grow within us, “brighter and brighter until the perfect day.”⁷

To all who feel they walk in darkness, I invite you to rely on this certain promise spoken by the Savior of mankind: “I am the light of the world: he that followeth me shall not walk in darkness, but shall have the light of life.”⁸

Come to the Light

Yes, from time to time our lives may seem to be touched by, or even wrapped in, darkness. Sometimes the night that surrounds us will appear oppressive, disheartening, and frightening.

My heart grieves for the many sorrows some of you face, for the painful loneliness and wearisome fears you may be experiencing.

Nevertheless, I bear witness that our living hope is in Christ Jesus! He is the true, pure, and powerful entrance to divine enlightenment.

I testify that with Christ, darkness cannot succeed. Darkness will not gain victory over the light of Christ.

I bear witness that darkness cannot stand before the brilliant light of the Son of the living God!

I invite each of you to open your heart to Him. Seek Him through study and prayer. Come to His Church, even The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. Learn of Him and of His gospel, participate actively, help each other, and joyfully serve our God.

Brothers and sisters, even after the darkest night, the Savior of the world will lead you to a gradual, sweet, and bright dawn that will assuredly rise within you.

As you walk toward the hope of God’s light, you will discover the compassion, love, and goodness of a loving Heavenly Father, “in [whom there] is no darkness at all.”⁹ Of this I testify in the sacred name of Jesus Christ, amen.

"Mirror on the wall, here we are again
Through my rise and fall
You've been my only friend"


-

February couldn't come soon enough

2013 has been a crazy year for me already. January was rough for me, I came across some crazy allergy bug during my recovery from this birth and I broke out in hives and sores and was itchy and had bad irritated skin, I almost lost my mind at one point. But after some changing my diet, visits with some very knowledgable doctors, I'm feeling much better and taking really good care of my self. Which is a good start to this year. I have been eating a lot better. And after having one big chunky baby girl I actually feel so great now. And I can't wait for Spring. Kody and I have some great goals for this year. I think this year will be good. We are really enjoying our little family of four. It was quite an adjustment for us, since we were so used to little Carson and spoiling him and didn't ever want anyone to take his place because we both love him way too much, and it was different for us with some other little sweet human being coming into our lives. But we love our Little Sage so so so much and everyday she makes us smile more with how smart she already is and how smiley she is. Carson is getting used to her now and I see him sneakily talk to her when I'm not by him, or he will touch her hair or pull her blanket up on her so shes warm. But only if I'm not looking, he DOES not want me to see him do it. He's so funny. But just thought I would catch up, I'm still phone anti-social and haven't been talking much or texting anyone hardly at all. I don't know why! Kody and I both. But things are great, and I love living out in Salt Lake, my mom is going to be having some more things done on the kitchen in this little house this week. An oven is what I'm looking forward to! I can't wait! I'm so grateful for so many things.
On my to do list:
Carson needs new big boy clothes
Kindergarten registration in March
Take a little family road trip somewhere
Sell the green couches!
Lose ten more pounds
Go to cheesecake factory
Get our stroller we want
Lots of Springtime walks in the avenues
valentines day!!!

shine

Sage Natalya came into this world on Christmas Day 2012. She was born at home. 9lbs. 4 oz. - 21 inches long.

We are so in love with her and the peace she has brought with her into our home. I have never felt so much love surrounding me than I do now. I just feel so happy. My little family needed this baby Sage. In so many ways.

She is my very own baby girl.

Waiting

39 weeks pregnant today.
Drinking some pregnancy tea.
I've worked hard to get healthier.
And I feel good. Midwife tells me
She might be making it to the end.
Which is just fine with me.
I just stare at all her little things and
Imagine what she will be like when
She gets here. I'm pretty anxious now.
Oh just waiting for a baby.